Occasionally I read the weekly column written by Mike Hosking. I am not a great fan. Hosking’s views are too right wing for my taste. But the real turn off is his rubbish standard of English. It is beyond belief that he gets paid to churn out prose that my seven-year-old grandson would reject.

I notice Hosking’s Wikipedia page makes proud mention that Hosking left school when he was 16. I can believe that. Clearly his high school had taught him all they could.

On Tuesday Hosking wrote 400 words on opening New Zealand’s international border. Lists of his poor writing probably make for dull reading. However, bear with me. Here are several gems.

1. In the first five lines the words “think” or “thought” are repeated five times. They say one measure of IQ is the frequency of repetition required for learning to take place. Clearly for Hosking that is quite a big number. Most of us got the idea we would have to think about the border the first time he said it. Hosking needs a reminder on every line.
2. Central to Hosking’s argument is the damage New Zealand’s restricted border – Hosking calls it closed, but it is not – will have on students coming here for a university education. He says for example, “International education here was worth $5 billion a year” and “For Victoria and New South Wales, at least the planes arriving will soon be full of students”. His point is students filling our universities and paying fees is what New Zealand needs.

I would dearly love to know then why, a few lines after weeping tears about the lost students, Hosking decides to have a crack at the Prime Minister with this gem: “The theory, and this is the stuff you pick up when you spend half your life in university”. Oh dear, educating foreigners is fine. But for God’s sake not for a New Zealand female Prime Minister. She should be at home doing dishes and making the bed. What a moron Hosking is.

• The genius Hoking then asks this question, “How is it that Australia can open its borders and we can’t?” Here again IQ is not a Hosking strong suit. The answer is Australia has a Prime Minister who enjoys cheating on the French, cheating in sport and killing his own people. Accept that and of course you can open the borders. New Zealand so far has had seven COVID deaths per million people. Australia has had 76, ten times more. My guess is that a few more deaths in South Auckland would not worry Hosking. As long as the border allowed Hoking to drink gin and tonic on the Gold Coast who cares about a few extra tangi in New Zealand? Not Hosking it seems.   
• Then our Aristotle of immigration policy asks: “How is it they’re [that’s Australia] inviting hundreds of thousands into the country to fire up the economy and we haven’t? This cannot be true. Surely Hosking is not holding up Australian immigration policy as a shining beacon that New Zealand should follow. Or being stupid, perhaps he is.

Has Hosking never heard of the “white Australia policy”? He probably has, but thinks it was a good idea. Does he want New Zealand to have our own Manus Island to copy Australia’s Pacific Solution. Australia might be inviting “hundreds of thousands” but remember when they could not find space for one woman, Suhayra Aden, and her two children, all three of whom were all or partly Australian. Normally I hate this expression but really, if Hosking is so besotted with Australian immigration, he should pack his bags and go there. A few months on Manus Island would do him the world of good. I would certainly prefer Suhayra Aden and her two children to Mike Hosking any day. I am sure they present less danger to New Zealand than a loudmouth radio announcer.

She probably writes better English as well.